Waiting and hoping for something that you have hoped, prayed, & wished away what seems like a million times is such an odd feeling. I’m so unsure of what exactly I should be feeling, but at this point, I don’t think I’ve ever prayed for a period so hard. I want it to come today, tomorrow, or hell even the next day. I’m so worried that it’s going to come late (for absolutely no reason) and ruin this whole cycle, and then I will be twiddling my thumbs until the end of June. And I don’t want that to be the case. I want to start this cycle, so bad. I want this cycle to work, even more than I want my period to come. I know that there is going to be seventeen days of torture, and that’s after the injections. That seventeen days after our IUI are going to be the hardest days, and I can’t imagine what it’s going to feel like. I’m not sure what I’m going to do with myself in the meantime, but I’m going to have to figure something out because I will drive myself insane with long days of nothing.
In other news, I got my wisdom teeth out on Wednesday. Which hello chipmunk cheeks for two days! My boss has now come to call me chipmunk, because my traitorous;) bff at work decided she needed to show him my pathetic swollenness covered in an icepack! (I’ll never let her forget this.) I’m no longer swollen, but still on the semi soft food diet. I don’t follow up post op until early wednesday morning and hopefully I’ll get the all clear then because I’m dying for a calazone or a steak or a cheeseburger. Honestly, I have an entire list of things I’m dying for. But, I really just want to go back to yoga, and running. although neither sound very fun at this point, but I want to get as much yoga in as I can before I get pregnant (I do the hot yoga, it’s not really meant for the little babes in the belly). But, I feel like a lard since I’ve basically been eating nothing but junk food, and I have no motivation, which is not a good combination. I need to get on it, really, but at the same time I want to curl up in a ball on my couch and never set foot in my yoga studio or lace up those running shoes again….I feel guilty just writing that, which may be a good sign.
Work has been torture. It’s been a mess of chaos and complaints. Everything seems to be changing, and it doesn’t look like it’s for the better. I think the hardest part, is the negativity. It’s so hard to want to come to a place where no one really wants to be there.
I’m so happy that it’s almost time to clock out, and meet my other half at home, go to the grocery store, and then snuggle up on the couch with him and just breathe. It’s my favorite part of the day.
Xo, B
Oh, p.s. is it time for injections yet?….
this struggle is part of my story 